Awww, thanks so much for your kind comment, Stephanie. It means a lot to me, especially after I hit "publish" and am now feeling a bit of "vulnerability hangover," LOL!
I totally had vulnerability hangover last week on my latest piece. So I totally relate!! It felt right at the time, but then there was a part that wanted to push delete, it was uncomfortable. But like your experience, so many people gave me support and encouragement. They would not have been able to give that and for me to receive that, if I didn’t bravely share what was on my heart.
Bravo for being so courageous in hitting the "publish" button! Yes, I think it's worth being vulnerable even if we may suffer from a bit of hangover, isn't it?
I relate so much to this, as a child, I don't remember why, but I have also learned not to cry or show "weaknesses". I think I stopped crying at 7 and only manage to start again 20 years later, when I finally learned, it is ok to cry, in fact it is good to. As a parent now, I want to consciously allow my children to express their emotions of all kinds, but crying is definitely a trigger to me. It is really hard to unlearn those deep social conditionings. But I try. And I hope my son will let me try again, and again.
Also, I can't help but chuckle at all these terms - "lose face", "save face" and "give face". I think only people like us would understand the depth of these simple terms! XD
Hi Rachel, I find it so true that it's extremely hard to unlearn the deep social conditionings we grew up with. Our brains were like sponges when we were kids, so whatever we learned then went way deep... which is why it's so encouraging to hear that you are allowing your children to express their full range of emotions. I cannot think of anything more meaningful a parent could do than giving them a safe space to explore the breadth and depth of their emotional expressions!
Glad those "face" terms gave you the chuckles! :-))) Seldom do I meet people who can truly understand the layers of meanings behind these terms.
Wow, I spent a lot of time (a decade) living in China and I wonder if it affected me this way. I had a similar experience where I was open with a doctor recently and absolutely shocked when they were so…responsive. Like my thoughts and desires mattered. It was so unexpected. Also that’s crazy that your experience was SO painful and nobody warned you or gave you a painkiller beforehand! I’m angry for you!
I had a Chinese student tell me that when she was in middle school, the boy who sat in front of her killed himself one day by jumping off the roof. The school treated it like a shameful event and no one was ever allowed to acknowledge or talk about it. For the rest of the year, she sat there looking at his empty desk and wondering if he’d really existed. I never forgot that story!
Also there were lots of really good things about living in China, I just never made the connection between face and potential impacts on myself before.
How interesting you lived in China for a decade! May I ask what brought you to China? I am curious about any impact of face on how you behaved there and even afterwards. If anything comes up later, I'd love to hear it!
Just work! I didn't think that face impacted me at all, but when I read your story, I started to think that maybe it did. There were definitely times when I caused my employer to lose face and that didn't go well, so I learned to be much more careful about what I said/the emotions I showed.
Thanks for sharing, Leah. I can visualize the scenario by reading about your reflections. It's interesting to me that you gradually "acclimatized" to the Chinese "face culture." This kind of situations occur quite often in the workplace and business settings. To be honest, I had caused several of my Chinese bosses to lose face because I expressed my views and feelings more directly than they would have liked (thanks to my Westernized way, to their chagrin!).
Oh my goodness!!! That story of the school boy who committed sucide is so disturbing! Sad to say, though, that given the context of the mainland Chinese culture, I'm not too surprised :-((( I can imagine how much trauma the girl and other classmates had, that was never allowed a space to heal because their shock and loss were never even acknowledged! Poor kids!
And thanks for sharing your recent experience with your medical team. Isn't it nice to be cared for by responsive doctors and nurses? It's crazy to think that this is rare and not the norm. It should've been the norm! On another note, in my conversations with women who have been sexually betrayed, I learned that most gynecologists are used to hearing stories of betrayals and they are very responsive and empathetic to the betrayed partners!
Oh Leah, your comment brought back a sad memory. I taught in China at a medical college in Nanchang in the early 90s. One of the students at our college felt ashamed that he wasn’t a top student as he had been in his hometown and he took his life in a similar way. It was so tragic and heartbreaking. Where did you live?
Oh dear! That was truly heartbreaking! :-((( It's tragic that such stories are not rare in Chinese societies. Where I grew up--Hong Kong--many young people did that due to academic pressure and shame. I got my second job after graduation because my predecessor jumped from a high building due to academic pressure :'(
Oh no. That’s so sad to hear. What age were you when you immigrated to the US? I have thought a lot about how shame based cultures impact people. The Cultural Revolution and some of the trauma people experienced at the hands of their community and young Red Guards were so terrible. Criticism sessions were commonplace. I feel like there’s a tremendous amount of woundedness and trauma that people were told not to talk about in China. One reason I felt called to teach in China was because I saw the protests on the news that culminated in the Tiananmen Square Massacre in 89. But then the government tries to deny that ever happened and forbids any discussion of it. Denial and shame can devastate people. I have so much compassion for what my Asian friends have been through.
Yes, it was very sad. I migrated to the U.S. at 18 to attend college. It was the 89 Tiananment Square Massacre that prompted me to want to become a journalist, which led me to attend journalism school in the U.S. (it was a subject that wasn't well developed in the only 2 universities available in Hong Kong at that time). You're right about the denial and shame as a legacy of political suppression in China and in many Asian countries. I was born during the Cultural Revolution and my parents were deeply impacted by it, which is why they left China. In my memoir essays in the archive (https://lilypond.substack.com/s/memories), I've written about my family history with references to the Cultural Revolution. I believe the political strives and suppression that my parents had sustained got passed on to us as intergenerational trauma (in fact, it went all the way before Mao, from my grandparents' generation who lived through the Japanese occupation).
I have a sense that we have much to chat about on the subject of China! But now I must hit the sack. Look forward to continuing our China conversation another time!
Have a good night's rest. Oh, yes, I'd very much like to talk with you more about these experiences and I appreciate the link to some of your memoir essays. I have read extensively on this topic over the years, and felt honored when my students and people I met in my community in China opened up to me privately about what they and their families had endured. Some of my graduate students had been through reeducation camps. Someday I'll tell you about a Japanese teacher named "Moses" who I met. It's a sad story, and I should find some of the things I wrote about what he shared with me. He wanted to make restitution for what the Japanese people had done to the Chinese people by coming to teach in China. He felt very bad about those cruel acts of his countrymen. I really look forward to hearing more from you. Rest well. It's still not too late in Oregon.
Susan, you got me super curious about what you had learned from your direct conversations with your students. We must find a way to share these stories securely so as not to compromise anyone's safety.
Exactly! I had a student who told me that a whole generation of his family was just wiped out because of the Cultural Revolution (he was Buddhist, maybe his family was targeted...I don't know). And I thought about how many others must have had those experiences and there's no memorial to them anywhere. There's no public acknowledgement of the massive losses, whether from the three years of famine or the Cultural Revolution, etc. There are no memorials to the loss of Chinese life except in the context of the "people's fight". After a while, it really started to bother me. A society should be able to mourn the loss of life.
And so when students jump off the roof of the building, it's not surprising that the reaction from the school is to just cover it up and forbid any discussion of it.
Oh, I really understand what you're saying. For me, I saw parallels with abusive families elsewhere, and how secrets and realities were silenced, leading to trauma and pain with nowhere to go. I'll always remember when a young man here in the US committed suicide. From an Asian family, the parents were clearly devastated by the loss. I remember some of my Asian friends asking if I could help by listening and caring for this family (which I felt honored to do) because they had no modeling or real example for how to help someone process such grief and pain. The others genuinely cared and felt very sad about this suicide, and I know they wanted to help. They simply didn't know how. When a whole society experiences horrific losses and suffering because of power hungry leaders which is then stifled and even 'erased' from the history books or news, the collective trauma and pain shows up in individual lives, too. I have known Asian friends in the US who had insomnia, and when I asked if they knew why, they alluded to the things they witnessed and were never allowed to talk about or process.
Leah and Susan, the horrific and tragic events and ongoing suppression of personal and national histories are just heartbreaking. I shed tears reading your responses to what you witnessed intimately when working in China. How does all this trauma (still ongoing) get processed and healed when there isn't even any normal channels for people to talk about it, let alone publicly acknowledged? Yet at the same time, I can't help but marvel at the Chinese people's resilience and survival spirit.
oh no, that's awful! The pressure to succeed is intense. There is a lot riding on student success! For my student, the trauma was compounded by the school's refusal to acknowledge anything. I lived in Beijing at the time, but I'm not sure if my student was from there.
So many tragic stories. Sometimes I think about the collective trauma and pain of these precious people. Sad that this tragedy was seemingly brushed aside. I don't think people really necessarily knew how to process grief or tragedy in healthy ways.
This is such a powerful experience you had, Louisa, and so beautifully and powerfully expressed through your writing. You have truly shown us how our tears can sometimes save us and always have something to teach us and are a sweet sweet relief that should be welcomed in our society more than it is. I too struggle with "losing face" by crying and I can see how that is accentuated in Asian-American culture. Your courage and wisdom is truly beautiful to witness, as your loving friend.
Thank you, my dearest Amy! While I'm used to cry in private, it took me a lot of practicing to be comfortable with crying in front of others, let alone strangers! But having been witnessed in safe spaces like my therapy sessions, support groups and coaching groups, it became easier and easier over time. A safe space to express what we deem "shameful" emotions is paramount. I'm glad that you resonate with the Chinese sentiment of "losing face" and appreciate how hard it is to break through that cultural straitjacket. Above all, thank you for your loving witness!
Thank you, Fenny, for taking the time to read this and for sharing your reflections. It's my hope that this kind of writing will create a ripple effect and inspire my readers (my "Ponders") to take baby steps to express their authentic emotions in daily life, just as I have been.
Excellent job discussing these themes, Louisa. I taught in China for a few years and have worked and lived cross culturally for a good portion of my life. You did a great job looking at these aspects of interpersonal relationships. Thank you! Very glad to have discovered your writing this evening.
Thank you, Susan, for your kind comment! I'm so glad you've found Lily Pond amid this vast ocean of Substacks! How interesting you have taught in China and worked culturally in a professional capacity. I have no formal training in cross-cultural issues or relational psychology, but my tumultuous life journey has taught me a good many lessons in these areas and it is my pleasure to share my observations. Hope you to see you around at Lily Pond!
I liked the fact that you mentioned the cultural frameworks from which we may be operating when it comes to expressing our emotions. "History of Emotions" is becoming a big thing in the field of history nowadays and once, before I left academia, I entertained thoughts about delving into that field and maybe writing something about it. One part of the whole thing is looking at how "emotions" had different meanings for different cultures at different time periods, so your comments made me think of that.
The thing I liked most about the piece, however, was this part: "On the other hand, if we allow space for the vulnerable parts of us to emerge and express themselves, it can open up the door for others to pour love into our hearts." I didn't think of it this way but I'll surely keep it in mind going forward!
Thank you for your interesting comment, linking back to your essay on your own challenge with showing your vulnerability. Talk about synchronicity! I started the draft before reading yours and was stalling. But your piece gave me a final push to finish it.
What you wrote about the history of emotions is super interesting to me! Can you recommend a book that can give me an introduction?
I believe that the stoic ideal in Chinese culture (and many other cultures) is rooted in the immense hardships in the past (and present, too). Without the modern means of processing emotions, such as therapy, counseling, etc. and without the luxury of time to do so (people were mostly concerned with survival), I can imagine how useful this principle was. Unfortunately, this old way of processing (or, rather, not expressing or processing) emotions resulted in generational trauma, which has negative impacts on the lives of offsprings. I'm grateful that such dynamics are increasingly being brought to the collective consciousness so we can start breaking the generational patterns that leave us stuck in the mud.
I'm glad my suffering gave you some inspiration haha!
I think the standard introduction to the topic would be Rob Boddice's book "The History of Emotions." I still have to go through it myself but I know it provides a good entry point into the field.
You make an interesting connection between not having "modern means of processing emotions" and the stoic demeanor. Although it is also curious we go back to all those ancient practices, such as meditation, to deal better with our minds and our emotions. I guess it is a two way street.
Thanks for your recommendation. I've put this book on my TBR list.
Yes, it is interesting how people of millennia ago had such advanced practices as meditation. I believe they had a much closer connection with spirit/spirituality, and such practices were conducive to such a connection. It's wonderful, isn't it, that we have access to both ancient and modern methods to help us process emotions and heal emotional wounds.
Wow Louisa - another heart opening piece 🫶 I appreciate your courage to share the experience you had at your gynecologist’s office. I’m also celebrating you for allowing yourself to fully express your emotions! So happy to hear you were surrounded by people who supported you. There’s nothing more beautiful than being held especially as you’re healing through something! May this be the beginning of your blossoming!
I’ve thought about this a lot. So many people have described me as “strong” and celebrated me for it but my response to them is I don’t want to be. It wasn’t my first choice. I want to be messy! I want to break down! I want to be resilient! I want to be human.
Thanks so much for your comment, Steph! I totally understand how you feel about being perceived as "strong." I have been there most of my life, actually. I resented so much that "strong" was the primary attribute that my friends saw in me. I longed for them to reach out and empathize with me yet at the same time my pride of being able to handle things alone prevented me from fully receiving others' offerings even when they came. I also noticed that same trait in my mom, and found it really hard to offer her help because she presented such a strong facade and felt uncomfortable being vulnerable to recieve love. What I discovered, during the time I cared for her after she broke her knee, was that she didn't feel she deserved love from others, so she tried all her life to be strong and independent (so she would not get disappointed if others didn't help?). Gradually she learned to receive love as she lost her ability to live independently for a period of time. I learned a lot from this experience as my mom mirrored my own way of showing up in the world. So I worked on expressing my emotions more directly and being vulnerable. It's very messy, I can tell ya! But I'm glad to hear that you are willing to embrace messy! It's what being human (the human animal) is about! From breaking open the facade to breaking open your heart, you will experience the kind of treasures that no money can buy.
What an awesome story, thank you for sharing! Glad you got loving care from your medical team. I can resonate with the Asian culture saving face issue— it makes us sick!
Hi Alice, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and to write a comment. I agree that the Asian culture of saving face can make us sick! So much stuffing down of our true emotions and so much make-pretend so the facade looks all shiny and good.
What.a.story. My god, I'm so sorry you had to go through that painful procedure and breakup. But as you pointed out, it turned out to be the emotional and physical healing that you needed.
I, too, grew up in an Asian household, where everything's swept under the rug, but I rebelled. I'm a little embarrassed by it now, but I was so angry. I also cry very easily, like reading your story made me tear up. It's being sensitive and now that I'm 51, I've learned to accept it. xo
Hi Lani, thanks so much for reading my story and taking the time to comment with empathy. Oh, how I rejoice that you actually rebelled and showed your anger! Without that, you wouldn't be able to assert your healthy boundaries in your family and become your own person. This was what was lacking in my childhood. I was even praised for "never having rebelled." Well, guess what? I paid the price much later in life! So yes, rebellion is normal and good when growing up.
We are of similar age! I'm glad to find a kindred spirit who cries easily. Embrace that as your gift. It's a healthy thing! :-)
Louisa, your honesty and vulnerability are gifts of love to those of us seeing the freedom in feeling our emotions. Thank you.
Awww, thanks so much for your kind comment, Stephanie. It means a lot to me, especially after I hit "publish" and am now feeling a bit of "vulnerability hangover," LOL!
I totally had vulnerability hangover last week on my latest piece. So I totally relate!! It felt right at the time, but then there was a part that wanted to push delete, it was uncomfortable. But like your experience, so many people gave me support and encouragement. They would not have been able to give that and for me to receive that, if I didn’t bravely share what was on my heart.
Bravo for being so courageous in hitting the "publish" button! Yes, I think it's worth being vulnerable even if we may suffer from a bit of hangover, isn't it?
So often it is. I think many of us are connecting because of the courage to open up.
I relate so much to this, as a child, I don't remember why, but I have also learned not to cry or show "weaknesses". I think I stopped crying at 7 and only manage to start again 20 years later, when I finally learned, it is ok to cry, in fact it is good to. As a parent now, I want to consciously allow my children to express their emotions of all kinds, but crying is definitely a trigger to me. It is really hard to unlearn those deep social conditionings. But I try. And I hope my son will let me try again, and again.
Also, I can't help but chuckle at all these terms - "lose face", "save face" and "give face". I think only people like us would understand the depth of these simple terms! XD
Hi Rachel, I find it so true that it's extremely hard to unlearn the deep social conditionings we grew up with. Our brains were like sponges when we were kids, so whatever we learned then went way deep... which is why it's so encouraging to hear that you are allowing your children to express their full range of emotions. I cannot think of anything more meaningful a parent could do than giving them a safe space to explore the breadth and depth of their emotional expressions!
Glad those "face" terms gave you the chuckles! :-))) Seldom do I meet people who can truly understand the layers of meanings behind these terms.
Wow, I spent a lot of time (a decade) living in China and I wonder if it affected me this way. I had a similar experience where I was open with a doctor recently and absolutely shocked when they were so…responsive. Like my thoughts and desires mattered. It was so unexpected. Also that’s crazy that your experience was SO painful and nobody warned you or gave you a painkiller beforehand! I’m angry for you!
I had a Chinese student tell me that when she was in middle school, the boy who sat in front of her killed himself one day by jumping off the roof. The school treated it like a shameful event and no one was ever allowed to acknowledge or talk about it. For the rest of the year, she sat there looking at his empty desk and wondering if he’d really existed. I never forgot that story!
Also there were lots of really good things about living in China, I just never made the connection between face and potential impacts on myself before.
How interesting you lived in China for a decade! May I ask what brought you to China? I am curious about any impact of face on how you behaved there and even afterwards. If anything comes up later, I'd love to hear it!
Just work! I didn't think that face impacted me at all, but when I read your story, I started to think that maybe it did. There were definitely times when I caused my employer to lose face and that didn't go well, so I learned to be much more careful about what I said/the emotions I showed.
Thanks for sharing, Leah. I can visualize the scenario by reading about your reflections. It's interesting to me that you gradually "acclimatized" to the Chinese "face culture." This kind of situations occur quite often in the workplace and business settings. To be honest, I had caused several of my Chinese bosses to lose face because I expressed my views and feelings more directly than they would have liked (thanks to my Westernized way, to their chagrin!).
Oh my goodness!!! That story of the school boy who committed sucide is so disturbing! Sad to say, though, that given the context of the mainland Chinese culture, I'm not too surprised :-((( I can imagine how much trauma the girl and other classmates had, that was never allowed a space to heal because their shock and loss were never even acknowledged! Poor kids!
And thanks for sharing your recent experience with your medical team. Isn't it nice to be cared for by responsive doctors and nurses? It's crazy to think that this is rare and not the norm. It should've been the norm! On another note, in my conversations with women who have been sexually betrayed, I learned that most gynecologists are used to hearing stories of betrayals and they are very responsive and empathetic to the betrayed partners!
Oh Leah, your comment brought back a sad memory. I taught in China at a medical college in Nanchang in the early 90s. One of the students at our college felt ashamed that he wasn’t a top student as he had been in his hometown and he took his life in a similar way. It was so tragic and heartbreaking. Where did you live?
Oh dear! That was truly heartbreaking! :-((( It's tragic that such stories are not rare in Chinese societies. Where I grew up--Hong Kong--many young people did that due to academic pressure and shame. I got my second job after graduation because my predecessor jumped from a high building due to academic pressure :'(
Oh no. That’s so sad to hear. What age were you when you immigrated to the US? I have thought a lot about how shame based cultures impact people. The Cultural Revolution and some of the trauma people experienced at the hands of their community and young Red Guards were so terrible. Criticism sessions were commonplace. I feel like there’s a tremendous amount of woundedness and trauma that people were told not to talk about in China. One reason I felt called to teach in China was because I saw the protests on the news that culminated in the Tiananmen Square Massacre in 89. But then the government tries to deny that ever happened and forbids any discussion of it. Denial and shame can devastate people. I have so much compassion for what my Asian friends have been through.
Yes, it was very sad. I migrated to the U.S. at 18 to attend college. It was the 89 Tiananment Square Massacre that prompted me to want to become a journalist, which led me to attend journalism school in the U.S. (it was a subject that wasn't well developed in the only 2 universities available in Hong Kong at that time). You're right about the denial and shame as a legacy of political suppression in China and in many Asian countries. I was born during the Cultural Revolution and my parents were deeply impacted by it, which is why they left China. In my memoir essays in the archive (https://lilypond.substack.com/s/memories), I've written about my family history with references to the Cultural Revolution. I believe the political strives and suppression that my parents had sustained got passed on to us as intergenerational trauma (in fact, it went all the way before Mao, from my grandparents' generation who lived through the Japanese occupation).
I have a sense that we have much to chat about on the subject of China! But now I must hit the sack. Look forward to continuing our China conversation another time!
Have a good night's rest. Oh, yes, I'd very much like to talk with you more about these experiences and I appreciate the link to some of your memoir essays. I have read extensively on this topic over the years, and felt honored when my students and people I met in my community in China opened up to me privately about what they and their families had endured. Some of my graduate students had been through reeducation camps. Someday I'll tell you about a Japanese teacher named "Moses" who I met. It's a sad story, and I should find some of the things I wrote about what he shared with me. He wanted to make restitution for what the Japanese people had done to the Chinese people by coming to teach in China. He felt very bad about those cruel acts of his countrymen. I really look forward to hearing more from you. Rest well. It's still not too late in Oregon.
Susan, you got me super curious about what you had learned from your direct conversations with your students. We must find a way to share these stories securely so as not to compromise anyone's safety.
Exactly! I had a student who told me that a whole generation of his family was just wiped out because of the Cultural Revolution (he was Buddhist, maybe his family was targeted...I don't know). And I thought about how many others must have had those experiences and there's no memorial to them anywhere. There's no public acknowledgement of the massive losses, whether from the three years of famine or the Cultural Revolution, etc. There are no memorials to the loss of Chinese life except in the context of the "people's fight". After a while, it really started to bother me. A society should be able to mourn the loss of life.
And so when students jump off the roof of the building, it's not surprising that the reaction from the school is to just cover it up and forbid any discussion of it.
Oh, I really understand what you're saying. For me, I saw parallels with abusive families elsewhere, and how secrets and realities were silenced, leading to trauma and pain with nowhere to go. I'll always remember when a young man here in the US committed suicide. From an Asian family, the parents were clearly devastated by the loss. I remember some of my Asian friends asking if I could help by listening and caring for this family (which I felt honored to do) because they had no modeling or real example for how to help someone process such grief and pain. The others genuinely cared and felt very sad about this suicide, and I know they wanted to help. They simply didn't know how. When a whole society experiences horrific losses and suffering because of power hungry leaders which is then stifled and even 'erased' from the history books or news, the collective trauma and pain shows up in individual lives, too. I have known Asian friends in the US who had insomnia, and when I asked if they knew why, they alluded to the things they witnessed and were never allowed to talk about or process.
Leah and Susan, the horrific and tragic events and ongoing suppression of personal and national histories are just heartbreaking. I shed tears reading your responses to what you witnessed intimately when working in China. How does all this trauma (still ongoing) get processed and healed when there isn't even any normal channels for people to talk about it, let alone publicly acknowledged? Yet at the same time, I can't help but marvel at the Chinese people's resilience and survival spirit.
oh no, that's awful! The pressure to succeed is intense. There is a lot riding on student success! For my student, the trauma was compounded by the school's refusal to acknowledge anything. I lived in Beijing at the time, but I'm not sure if my student was from there.
So many tragic stories. Sometimes I think about the collective trauma and pain of these precious people. Sad that this tragedy was seemingly brushed aside. I don't think people really necessarily knew how to process grief or tragedy in healthy ways.
This is such a powerful experience you had, Louisa, and so beautifully and powerfully expressed through your writing. You have truly shown us how our tears can sometimes save us and always have something to teach us and are a sweet sweet relief that should be welcomed in our society more than it is. I too struggle with "losing face" by crying and I can see how that is accentuated in Asian-American culture. Your courage and wisdom is truly beautiful to witness, as your loving friend.
Thank you, my dearest Amy! While I'm used to cry in private, it took me a lot of practicing to be comfortable with crying in front of others, let alone strangers! But having been witnessed in safe spaces like my therapy sessions, support groups and coaching groups, it became easier and easier over time. A safe space to express what we deem "shameful" emotions is paramount. I'm glad that you resonate with the Chinese sentiment of "losing face" and appreciate how hard it is to break through that cultural straitjacket. Above all, thank you for your loving witness!
Thank you for this tender story. I’m so glad you were met with kindness and compassion. It was healing to read, and offers hope.
Many thanks for reading and for your kind comment, Michelle! I'm glad it was healing to read and offered hope!
Louisa, this is so beautiful and brave. Thank you. I'm learning so much from your authentic emotional expression!
Thank you, Fenny, for taking the time to read this and for sharing your reflections. It's my hope that this kind of writing will create a ripple effect and inspire my readers (my "Ponders") to take baby steps to express their authentic emotions in daily life, just as I have been.
Excellent job discussing these themes, Louisa. I taught in China for a few years and have worked and lived cross culturally for a good portion of my life. You did a great job looking at these aspects of interpersonal relationships. Thank you! Very glad to have discovered your writing this evening.
Thank you, Susan, for your kind comment! I'm so glad you've found Lily Pond amid this vast ocean of Substacks! How interesting you have taught in China and worked culturally in a professional capacity. I have no formal training in cross-cultural issues or relational psychology, but my tumultuous life journey has taught me a good many lessons in these areas and it is my pleasure to share my observations. Hope you to see you around at Lily Pond!
Thanks, Louisa! Life experience holds many lessons, doesn't it? Looking forward to reading more of your work over time.
Very true. Thank you, Susan! Likewise!
Thank you for sharing this. I hope you are feeling better now after the incident at the doctor.
As you can guess, this piece resonated with me to a great extent as I recently reflected upon my own desperate need to not show my vulnerability (https://afewthoughtson.substack.com/p/i-shouldnt-show-any-weakness).
I liked the fact that you mentioned the cultural frameworks from which we may be operating when it comes to expressing our emotions. "History of Emotions" is becoming a big thing in the field of history nowadays and once, before I left academia, I entertained thoughts about delving into that field and maybe writing something about it. One part of the whole thing is looking at how "emotions" had different meanings for different cultures at different time periods, so your comments made me think of that.
The thing I liked most about the piece, however, was this part: "On the other hand, if we allow space for the vulnerable parts of us to emerge and express themselves, it can open up the door for others to pour love into our hearts." I didn't think of it this way but I'll surely keep it in mind going forward!
Thanks again for the piece!
Thank you for your interesting comment, linking back to your essay on your own challenge with showing your vulnerability. Talk about synchronicity! I started the draft before reading yours and was stalling. But your piece gave me a final push to finish it.
What you wrote about the history of emotions is super interesting to me! Can you recommend a book that can give me an introduction?
I believe that the stoic ideal in Chinese culture (and many other cultures) is rooted in the immense hardships in the past (and present, too). Without the modern means of processing emotions, such as therapy, counseling, etc. and without the luxury of time to do so (people were mostly concerned with survival), I can imagine how useful this principle was. Unfortunately, this old way of processing (or, rather, not expressing or processing) emotions resulted in generational trauma, which has negative impacts on the lives of offsprings. I'm grateful that such dynamics are increasingly being brought to the collective consciousness so we can start breaking the generational patterns that leave us stuck in the mud.
I'm glad my suffering gave you some inspiration haha!
I think the standard introduction to the topic would be Rob Boddice's book "The History of Emotions." I still have to go through it myself but I know it provides a good entry point into the field.
You make an interesting connection between not having "modern means of processing emotions" and the stoic demeanor. Although it is also curious we go back to all those ancient practices, such as meditation, to deal better with our minds and our emotions. I guess it is a two way street.
Thanks for your recommendation. I've put this book on my TBR list.
Yes, it is interesting how people of millennia ago had such advanced practices as meditation. I believe they had a much closer connection with spirit/spirituality, and such practices were conducive to such a connection. It's wonderful, isn't it, that we have access to both ancient and modern methods to help us process emotions and heal emotional wounds.
"If we allow space for the vulnerable parts of us to emerge and express themselves, it can open up the door for others to pour love into our hearts."
oh my goodness, yes!🙏
Thank you for reading and commenting, Charity 🤗💜🙌
Wow Louisa - another heart opening piece 🫶 I appreciate your courage to share the experience you had at your gynecologist’s office. I’m also celebrating you for allowing yourself to fully express your emotions! So happy to hear you were surrounded by people who supported you. There’s nothing more beautiful than being held especially as you’re healing through something! May this be the beginning of your blossoming!
I’ve thought about this a lot. So many people have described me as “strong” and celebrated me for it but my response to them is I don’t want to be. It wasn’t my first choice. I want to be messy! I want to break down! I want to be resilient! I want to be human.
Thank you for writing this piece 🫶
Thanks so much for your comment, Steph! I totally understand how you feel about being perceived as "strong." I have been there most of my life, actually. I resented so much that "strong" was the primary attribute that my friends saw in me. I longed for them to reach out and empathize with me yet at the same time my pride of being able to handle things alone prevented me from fully receiving others' offerings even when they came. I also noticed that same trait in my mom, and found it really hard to offer her help because she presented such a strong facade and felt uncomfortable being vulnerable to recieve love. What I discovered, during the time I cared for her after she broke her knee, was that she didn't feel she deserved love from others, so she tried all her life to be strong and independent (so she would not get disappointed if others didn't help?). Gradually she learned to receive love as she lost her ability to live independently for a period of time. I learned a lot from this experience as my mom mirrored my own way of showing up in the world. So I worked on expressing my emotions more directly and being vulnerable. It's very messy, I can tell ya! But I'm glad to hear that you are willing to embrace messy! It's what being human (the human animal) is about! From breaking open the facade to breaking open your heart, you will experience the kind of treasures that no money can buy.
I resonate so much with all of this! Here’s to breaking open our hearts 🫶🫶
Yaaasssss!!!
Just read this poem by Jeff Foster, "Sing, World, Sing!" and I want to share it with you:
Break me open, Life.
Shatter my remaining defenses
against You.
You placed magnificence at the heart of my despair.
You sowed volcanic strength into my vulnerability.
Even my doubt vibrated with courage.
"Leave the famiilar
with no hpe of return?"
Of course!
I am not afraid. I was never afraid!
I once walked a familiar path of self-construction.
I now walk a path of grace and destruction,
of weeping at birdsong and telling the truth.
I will never turn back!
What an awesome story, thank you for sharing! Glad you got loving care from your medical team. I can resonate with the Asian culture saving face issue— it makes us sick!
Hi Alice, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and to write a comment. I agree that the Asian culture of saving face can make us sick! So much stuffing down of our true emotions and so much make-pretend so the facade looks all shiny and good.
Absolutey… working hard to unlearn all of this and feel my emotions!
🤗 That's wonderful, Alice💜
What.a.story. My god, I'm so sorry you had to go through that painful procedure and breakup. But as you pointed out, it turned out to be the emotional and physical healing that you needed.
I, too, grew up in an Asian household, where everything's swept under the rug, but I rebelled. I'm a little embarrassed by it now, but I was so angry. I also cry very easily, like reading your story made me tear up. It's being sensitive and now that I'm 51, I've learned to accept it. xo
Hi Lani, thanks so much for reading my story and taking the time to comment with empathy. Oh, how I rejoice that you actually rebelled and showed your anger! Without that, you wouldn't be able to assert your healthy boundaries in your family and become your own person. This was what was lacking in my childhood. I was even praised for "never having rebelled." Well, guess what? I paid the price much later in life! So yes, rebellion is normal and good when growing up.
We are of similar age! I'm glad to find a kindred spirit who cries easily. Embrace that as your gift. It's a healthy thing! :-)