An Immigrant's Grief

An immigrant's perspective on the erosion of freedom and the power grab in the United States as it unfolds.

Dear Ponders and new subscribers,

The past month has been extremely difficult for me personally. The nightmare that we woke up to on January 20 (not all agree, sadly) is having a grip on a larger swath of the U.S. population as more and more people are personally affected by the cruel, slash-and-burn tactics used by the unconstitutional DOGE. Words and images coming through the screen often make me question if I’m living in the world depicted in George Orwell’s 1984 and Animal Farm.

Although incredulous in scale, and perhaps unthinkable in the context of almost 250 years of U.S. democratic tradition, none of what we’re seeing is new under the sun. One doesn’t need to be a historian to realize that totalitarianism has made a come-back. The fact that the majority of the U.S. population AND politicians are slow to respond to its urgent perils shows the complacency that has bred from the concept of American exceptionalism.

American exceptionalism, in turn, is born out of privilege. If a person has never lived under the threats of a totalitarian regime, they naturally aren’t conditioned to see red flags or know what is at stake. A fish that has only lived in the sea wouldn’t know what the ocean means to its survival unless it’s forced out of it and struggles to breathe on dry land.

The history of my immediate family is tightly woven with the history of oppression in modern day China. My parents suffered tremendously, from extreme poverty and political repression, during the decade before my birth till they took me and my brother to the “free world” across the border—Hong Kong.

Their goal was to migrate to America, “The Land of Beauty” (literal translation of the Chinese name for America, 美國), quickly so we could all breathe the air of freedom and have a better life. Hong Kong was a middle station while they waited for their immigrant visas. Due to the influx of Vietnamese refugees to the U.S. in the 70s, my parents’ plans were derailed, and the middle station became our second hometown where I and my brother grew up and adopted the identity of Hong Kongers. It was there where we learned how the rule of law and freedom of speech were central to a thriving economy and stability of life. Of course, there were many social ills, but my focus here is on the freedom of expression and freedom to live one’s life as long as you abide by the law that’s set up to protect the people instead of the ruling class.

The return of Hong Kong from its British colonizers to Mainland China in 1997 was like a shadow hanging over our heads since the 1980s. I grew up being cognizant about the potential of losing the freedom we enjoyed in daily life. Because my artist father had been politically persecuted for something innocent he did—painting a white flower on a blue background (he was accused of being an ally of the Kuomintang of Taiwan), I was aware of the threat that totalitarianism posed on artistic and literary freedom. And since I aspired to become an artist and later, a journalist/writer, I appreciated what it meant to safeguard ourselves from the grip of dictatorship.

Fast forward, my family finally made it to America. And fast forward a decade, China became a global economic super power. I remember my mom lamented, “Perhaps we would have done better if we just stayed in China. Look at my childhood friends. They have all become rich.” I had to remind her the raison d’etre behind our migration.

Fast forward some more, two decades after the handover of Hong Kong to China, Hong Kong lost its freedom entirely, despite a bilateral agreement between the UK and China to keep the same social and legal structure while allowing locals to govern themselves for at least 50 years after 1997. At first, people enjoyed a booming economy driven by China’s rise in the global market. Very gradually, the Communist Party of China started to introduce bills to the Hong Kong legislature that sought to manufacture patriotism for the “Motherland” and to restrict the freedom of speech. Local elections were rigged and democratic-leaning candidates were forced out of the races. Millions took to the street and young people literally threw themselves into the fire of the co-opted police who used violence against their own people.

A few months ago, I witnessed the trials of the 47 democracy fighters from a distance, and mourned the end of the free Hong Kong as I knew it. The trials were used as a tactic to set an example for all citizens, warning them to either shut up or face the prospect of being locked up. My grief ran deep. The place I once called home no longer exists in its essence. It has been Borged¹.

This is an example of how totalitarianism happens slowly at first, and then all at once. To understand how the same process has been happening in the U.S., I recommend this article. It’s a long read, but if you’re concerned with your personal freedom, especially freedom of speech, you won’t regret investing the time to read it. If you want to jump to the part about how things can happen slowly at first, then all at once, skip to here.

Before I finished mourning for my hometown (will the grief ever end?), I’ve started to mourn for the loss of freedom in my family’s second adopted hometown. The sad thing is, my mom, who hates the Chinese Communist Party and believed in the freedom that America could afford her and her family, supports Trump and voted her way to another form of totalitarianism (a “broligarchy,” coined by Carole Cadwalladr).

I’ve been trying to understand the psychology that led her to vote for someone who obviously isn’t looking out for her welfare—or the welfare of anyone who isn’t white, male and super wealthy. I fear for drastic cuts into social security, Medicare and food stamp, all of which she relies on to survive. Yet she remains in a bubble of complacency because, as she was once enamored by the strongman Mao in her youth, she has been sucked into the Cult of Trump², another strongman she admires. In addition, like many of the Latino folks who support mass deportation, she believes that her status as a legal immigrant and naturalized citizen would offer her a special status of protection, and that her spite toward those who didn’t strive as hard as she did to assimilate into the society is well justified 😔.

The irony of moving to a free country only to lose it to totalitarianism—to most immigrants’ great surprise and chagrin—is not lost on me. The biggest irony is that many immigrants actually voted this into reality. Unfortunately, I still can’t find the proper word to describe my feeling.

Recently I spoke with someone who came from a Southeast Asian country where his family experienced racism and totalitarianism. They moved to the U.S. when he was a young child. Today, they are shaking their heads lamenting how so many Americans have squandered away their precious freedom. But what this person’s mother said struck me as deeply courageous and gave me some sort of hope: “We’ve gone through worse. We’re going to survive!”

I’m not sure if I’d agree with the “worse” part. I don’t have her lived experience and it would be presumptuous to say that what is about to come in the “Land of the Free” might be worse—if the leaders at the top aren’t stopped in time for their madness.

However, I do believe in her second statement: “We’re going to survive!” Looking at the fates of millions of people who were unnecessarily forced into inhumane and oppressive conditions—both in the past and the present, I know that human resilience will help us survive.

Evil will thrive if we let it. Let’s resist in whatever way we can.

Finding Hope

I admit having gone through a period of overwhelming anxiety and depression out of my despair for the current situations. (As a former journalist, I’m a news junky and truth seeker. That doesn’t help!) I was in such a frozen state that I couldn’t express my thoughts properly in a written essay until I’ve taken care of myself.

Here are some of the things that helped me to slowly dig myself out of the mire:

Art: Drawing and writing Chinese calligraphy have helped me reconnect with my joyful younger self. Using my hand to create something from scratch also relaxes my brain in overdrive.

Writing Lunar New Year Couplets in Chinese Calligraphy made me feel grounded and connected with my younger self

Movement: I have been going for walks in Nature, working out in the gym and practicing swimming. Not only do these activates keep me strong and ready for life’s challenges, I just learned that contracting our muscles can literally produce the chemicals of hope. Check this out from Dr.

Tanmeet Sethi, MD

:

Meditate and drink tea: I like to start my day with a crystal bowl meditation—it flosses my mind to give it a fresh start. Then I’d drink my green tea the “Kung Fu” style. It involves pouring hot water into a very small lidded cup, steeping it for a short amount of time, then pouring the tea out into an even tinier cup. The smallness of everything ensures that you really take the time to be present for the aroma and sensation of the tea to fill your being, one small sip at a time. To me, this is one of my favorite ways to practice mindfulness.

Connect with people and laugh: I’m thankful for friends who checked in on me and literally helped me laugh out of my depression. Hanging out with friends and acquaintances—even though it can be super hard for introverts and depressives like me—can be life saving.

Start a garden: Audrey Hepburn is known to have said: “To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.” It will still be a while before the weather is warm enough to plant seeds in the soil, but I’m going to start planning very soon. In fact, I’m going to a community seed exchange as soon as I put down the pen and plan on starting a cut flower bed with a fellow gardener in our community farm.

Lastly, I want to share with you a note by the same doctor I quoted above. Please click and then read my response to her note as well:

Questions to Ponder:

• What practices do you go to to find hope in these dark times?

• Next up, I want to delve into the topic of moving abroad. As a serial immigrant throughout my life, I have a lot to say about this subject. But first, I’d like to hear from you. Do you have plans to move away from the U.S. as a result of the current situations? Are you already living overseas? How has your experience been so far? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

1. Borg, a character in the TV series Star Trek who is an alien life form that exists by morphing with and sucking life energy from humans.

2. This is the name of the book “The Cult of Trump” by world expert on cults,

Dr. Steven Hassan

.