Getting to Know My Inner Child and Protector
How an intimate dialogue with my internal family gave me the courage to set healthy boundaries
Dear Ponders,
Thanks for your enthusiastic response to my introduction to the Internal Family Systems last week. Today, I’m going to share with you an intimate dialogue I had with my inner child and her protector, and how that resulted in the rise of a natural courage inside me. This courage allowed me to draw firm and healthy boundaries with my “boundaryless” mother — something I had never succeeded doing before.
Guided by Richard Schwartz’s own voice in the audio version of his book, “No Bad Parts,” I attempted the exercise of “Getting to Know Your Protector.” First, I scanned my body to see if any emotions, sensations or impulses stood out and wanted my attention. I then focused on it for a minute to locate that sensation in my body.
As I tuned in, I found an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. A sense of fear and dread surfaced when I approached this area. It took a while before this part could relax itself. I waited silently after asking: “Is there anything you want me to know?”
I didn’t hear an answer, but saw an arm covering a head to prevent the head from being hit by a high-pitched scolding voice. This visual answer appeared in just a split of a second, but it told a whole story about a dominant feeling I had harbored in relation to my mother.
Turned out it was the fierce protector of a young part of me speaking! She wanted to protect young Louisa from my mother’s violent energy that came at her in the forms of scolding and harsh judgment.
I suddenly understood that this protector had been playing its role inside me since I was a child. To follow up with my curious inquiry, I asked her: “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do what you did inside me?”
She signaled to me that my young part would get hurt and might even die if she didn’t protect her by turning away and avoiding mom’s violent blow.
At this point, I told the protector how much I appreciated her for trying to keep me safe all these years.
To finish off the exercise, I asked: “What do you need from me in the future?”
She told me: “I want you to protect young Louisa by drawing boundaries with mom and say ‘No!’ and ‘Enough!’ to her.”
After this internal dialogue, I sat with the revelation of what my fearful inner child and her protector wanted from me. It couldn’t be clearer — they wanted me to be the mature leader and stand up for them in the face of danger.
The protector was tired of having to raise her arm to shield my young and fearful part. She was also tired of having to resort to roundabout tactics to avoid my mother’s wrath, such as ignoring her phone calls and moving to faraway places on the other side of the earth.
With this new found understanding, I told them, with compassion, that I would stand up for them no matter what. It was time I got into the driver’s seat and allowed them to rest comfortably and safely in the passenger’s seat.
One day, my mother pressured me for a visit, which I — and my inner child — didn’t feel for, I told her “No.” As usual, she didn’t take "No” for an answer. So she kept going and doubled down on her pressure.
Normally, I would’ve felt super irritated and shot back with reactive answers.
But my mindfulness practice has reset my nervous system, so that I was able to leave a gap between the stressor and my response. I allowed some time to pass before texting my mother back.
Upon careful consideration, I told her that I was in the middle of a depressive episode (this was the first time I “came out” to her about my depression, as it is a taboo in our Chinese culture). I told her I needed silence and space.
“I’m feeling psychological pressure from your repeated attempts to call me when I was unwell. It seems that you haven’t really understood the importance of ‘No’!”
I was so proud of myself to have said “No” emphatically without any sense of guilt or regret. I felt the boundary was rightfully drawn.
I then wrote something that I never ever imagined I would have the courage to tell her: “Your church friends are very kind in offering to organize your 80th birthday party. How about giving them the honor to do so, and I’ll come as a guest? I know you would like me to arrange everything. While I have the desire, I don’t have the energy to handle it. Please forgive me.”
This was new to me because in the past, I automatically took it upon myself to fulfil my role as the “perfect Chinese daughter.” I would feel guilty if I didn’t outdo myself in honoring my mother according to my cultural tradition. I would also do what was demanded or required of me even if I didn’t have the energy or “heart” to do it. At then, after performing my role perfectly, I would feel burdened, resentful and depleted behind the mask.
However, my wish to live an authentic life had started to conflict with my old pattern of playing the perfect daughter role. My desire to drop the mask and align my action with my soul was particularly strong at this juncture. In the end, my soul won, and I couldn’t be happier for this victory.
I’m celebrating you, sister! I know how much courage it takes to put yourself above your mom. To defy being “xiao xun.” So I just wanted you to know that I see you. I celebrate you!
Oh my goodness, I am so happy for you - this healthy, respectful boundary-setting is a huge victory and my heart is just filled with joy for you 💕