In Search of the Essence of Myself

How the Enneagram sharpens my self-knowledge and helps me grow in acceptance and compassion

Over the past week, I was on a binge to find out what the Enneagram is and what personality type I belong to using this ancient tool for self-knowledge. This tool places people under nine different types. It sheds light on the particular lens through which each of us sees the world and how it’s shaped our lives.

The binge started when I listened to a recent episode about the Enneagram on Glennon Doyle’s podcast “We Can Do Hard Things.” My soul bestie

Amy Brown

has mentioned the Enneagram numerous times in the past. She told me enthusiastically what she found out about her number after working with Enneagram coach Mindy Klein. Prior to this, I had a biased and skeptical view of the Enneagram. More than a dozen years ago, when I was seeking help to rescue my disintegrating marriage, my counselor suggested a book on the subject. It was a rather unsatisfying dabble on my part. The recent podcast interview with Suzanne Stabile opened a new door of curiosity in me.

What lit me up as I listened to the podcast was the potential of this tool in helping us grow spiritually. The Enneagram, according to Stabile, isn’t something that pigeon-holes us and then leaves us feeling condemned to the way we’ve always been.

As I picked up the book Stabile and co-author Ian Morgan Cron wrote on this subject, “The Road Back to You,” I realized that the Enneagram can help us get out of our own way and become who we are created/meant to be.

The Enneagram helps us understand how we see the world. While this can’t be changed, it’s possible to change what we do about the way we see the world.

Although the book was written from a Christian point of view (and I’m not a Christian), I find it inclusive and non-preachy. The Enneagram can be used by anyone of any religion or no religion at all.

By Twisp - Own work, Public Domain

Having read all the nine Enneagram types, their “wings” (influences from adjacent numbers), how each shows up in the world when stressed vs. when healthy, I was elated to have found a solid tool that complements other tools that I’ve used to understand human psychology — and myself. In fact, I find the Enneagram much more sophisticated than I had imagined, and more useful than other personality typing systems.

It’s a dynamic system that allows us to see how our personality can change depending on the state of our psychological and spiritual development.¹

As I listened to Stabile’s presentation on the podcast, I realized that I am born a Four — the “Romantic,” also known as the “Individualist.” Then, I did a test by the Enneagram Institute to confirm my number. It showed that I am both a Two and Four.

Interestingly, the test result suggested that I defer to the number other than Two if I am a woman. This is because women are often raised to be a “Helper” and exhibit people-pleasing and even martyrdom behavior typical of a Two. I found that to be true. I’ve definitely “inherited” those traits from my mother who has, in turn, inherited them from her ancestors and culture.

It’s helpful to recognize the cultural and gender overlay on top of the essence of what makes up our true self. It makes sense to think of the Two traits of a “Helper” as something that I’ve adopted growing up in a patriarchal society. It was my survival mask.

I learned that the Enneagram assessment differs from other personality typing systems in that it looks at our deepest motivation rather than our external behavior, which can be driven by familial and social conditioning and other factors. As such, it also reveals who we are if the “story” we made up about ourselves to help us survive the hardship of our childhood is stripped off.

So, in essence, I’m a Romantic with an Individualistic streak, eh? I wouldn’t argue with that. I’ve always been drawn to romantic sentiments and art from the Romantic era in Europe. My perspectives and actions also tend to go against the grain.

Being the ‘Romantic’

What does being an Enneagram Four say about me? From what I’ve learned so far, Fours are highly sensitive and creative individuals. They naturally tend to want to express their inner world with honesty. Following this impulse, many are inspired to create art that makes others feel seen. If you have “followed your heart” and chosen a creative or helping profession, such as writing or counseling, there’s a good chance that you’re a Four. Read on to see if you resonate with how I experience being one.

The Four trait that caught my attention the most was the sense that there’s something wrong and deficient about me. As such, I’ve always wanted to compensate what seems to be lacking in me with things that make me feel unique. Unfortunately, this quest for uniqueness as a way to form my identity often sabotages my equally strong desire to find a sense of belonging in the world. A certain loneliness and melancholy ensues.

Another quality stood out — Fours value authenticity and abhor disingenuousness. I’ve always felt that about myself, long before “authenticity” became a popular concept and movement. Even when I was a little kid, I remember cringing at how my mom showed up with a fake friendly mask outside the home. I believe that all children are born with a penchant for authenticity. But some have adopted the survival skill of becoming someone other than themselves and feel at ease with that. For me, that strong need has never left the core of my conscious being and I always feel uneasy when social situations call for a masking up.

Fours belong to the three numbers that form the “heart triad” (Two, Three and Four), and is characterized by the sentiment of sadness. In fact, Fours are the ones who are the most comfortable with feeling sad. We even enjoy it! This really explains a lot why I feel at home with myself when I am able to lean into my sadness. It also explains why I enjoy melancholic and even tragic literature, film and music, and the cathartic effect of an occasional good cry.

“Melancholy is the happiness of being sad.”

~Victor Hugo

“Bosom of a Woman” — making this ink drawing helped me process painful emotions. © Louisa Wah 2022

The other two triads on the Enneagram are the “thinking triad,” motivated by fear (or the avoidance thereof) and the “gut” triad, characterized by anger or rage. As I studied each number and tried to match the people in my life with them, it felt like the veils that prevented me from understanding who they are dropped one by one. Of course, the authors of the book warned us not to use the tool to judge others, to assume we know their Enneagram number. And yes, I realize these are just my guesses based on what I’ve read. There’s no way for me to know anybody’s Enneagram number unless they take the test themselves and read through the materials.

Existential angst

As a Four, I can totally relate to the Tim Burton quote that opens the chapter on my number in “The Road Back to You”:

“If you’ve ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you.”

~Time Burton

I used to think that my lifelong feeling of loneliness came from my family’s migrations from China to Hong Kong, and then from Hong Kong to the United States. Not being born to the places where my family and I settled in, I’ve always felt like an outsider.

Within the family, I was my parents’ “golden child,” but I still felt lonely and lacking in a sense of belonging because I believed that I could only be accepted if I could perform and achieve what was expected of me. And how extremely high those expectations were!

I often felt suffocated trying to be the perfect top student and good daughter that my parents and teachers expected me to be. If I fell slightly short, I would disappoint everyone, including myself. I started to struggle daily with accepting myself as I was, apart from my performance.

This struggle is a prominent characteristic of a Four. On top of that, Fours have the tendency of comparing ourselves with others, which heightens our sense of deficiency and separation. At the core, there’s an almost unshakeable feeling of shame.

What’s wrong with me?

Why am I unlike everybody else?

Why can’t I have a normal, happy life?

Finally, I felt seen when I read the following characteristics of a Four:

“Fours feel something important is missing from their essential makeup. They’re not sure what it is, whether it was taken from them or they had it long ago but lost it — only that the missing part is nowhere to be found and they’re to blame. The result is that they feel ‘different,’ ashamed, uncertain about who they are and ill at ease in the world.”

One of the pitfalls for a Four is envy: “They envy the normalcy, happiness and sense of comfort with which others seem to move through life…. This envy, coupled with their pervasive sense of ‘irredeemable deficiency,’ launches Fours on a never-ending quest to find the missing piece without which they never feel at home in the world.”

These descriptions were spot on. I’ve always looked, with envy, at the perfectly happy families around me, doing normal stuff and enjoying their togetherness, and wondered why I can’t have all of that. Even reading successful people’s bios can send me down a spiral of self-pity. Why haven’t I achieved such and such at that age? Why don’t I have supportive parents? Why haven’t I managed to raise children and grandchildren?

Although you might say a person who’s not a Four can also exhbit these traits, it’s the sum of all of these, and the focus on the past and the self-identification with intense, charged, and super-sized emotions that defines a Four.

Big feelings

Knowing that Fours don’t just have feelings but that they are their feelings has a definite redeeming effect on me. Since I was a child, I’ve always been accused or blamed for my over-sensitivity. Scoring high on the Highly Sensitive Person test did help me settle into my nature a bit, but this new understanding of being a Four on the Enneagram brings my self-acceptance to an even higher level.

The next time anybody says to me, “You’re too sensitive!” I can just shoot back, “Yea, right, I’m a Four on the Enneagram!” (grin). Except, I don’t know how to do that with my straight-shooter mom, because I don’t know what the Enneagram is in Chinese.

Being called out by the Enneagram as someone who overidentifies with charged emotions is actually a good thing. I’ve had tons of relationship troubles in the past because of my overflowing emotions and my inability to contain them.

Another helpful thing to know about myself is that the anxiety of abandonment looms large in my relationships. I know that I’ve always had a fear of abandonment but seeing this as a deep-rooted trait of my personality somehow alleviates the intensity of my self-blame. I also believe that certain trauma in our formative years can contribute to that fear, and that it’s crucial for healing to take place.

As my big emotions and fear of abandonment have gotten me into “trouble” in the past, I decided to work on myself, my relational growth and transformation.

Since last year, I’ve been practicing a communication technique called Real Dialogue, which has helped me prevent my overflowed emotions from spilling over to others. The concept of minding the “gap” between people and being aware of the subjectivity of each individual’s experience and perspective has been super helpful in keeping me “cool.”

In addition, working on building a healthy relationship with my inner child and inner protector (ego) through The Whole Soul Way has helped me grow emotionally and step into the power of my inner parent, so I can better align my actions with my soul rather than being swept away by my overwhelming emotions. My inner parent also reminds my scared inner child that she will never abandon her. This provides me with a great deal of comfort and strength inside.

Growing from self-knowledge

Understanding my way of being in the world more precisely through the Enneagram helps me to catch myself when unhealthy traits show up and tip the balance of my well-being. It helps me see where I can change for the better, both for myself and the people I care about. From the foundation of this self-knowledge, I’ll continue to grow spiritually and emotionally in a way that’s aligned with my essence.

I’m delighted to learn that growing into a healthy Four means my true nature will be able to flourish — creative, imaginative, generous, hard working, mature, self-aware, empathic, able to bear witness to the pain of others without fixing them, and awaken in others a deep appreciation for the beauty and transcendent nature of the world.

Healthy Fours, according to my test result interpretation, strive to be true to themselves. They are emotionally honest and aren't afraid to reveal themselves to others, "warts and all." They combine self-awareness and introspection with great emotional strength and endurance. They bring a heightened sensitivity to their experiences and are able to share with others the subtleties of their inner world. This invites others to do the same. They are highly intuitive and creative and add a personal, human touch to whatever they are involved with. They treat others with gentleness, tact, and discretion. They can be wonderfully expressive with an ironic, witty view of life and themselves, often finding humor in their own foibles and contradictions. They bring a sense of beauty, refinement, and emotional richness into other people's lives.

In addition, high-functioning Fours are able to renew and regenerate themselves again and again, transforming even their most painful experiences into something beautiful and meaningful that others can benefit from as well.

Seeing myself through the lens of the Enneagram, I feel I’m being hugged by a comforting blanket of self-acceptance.

My vision has widened after catching a glimpse of each number’s innerworld. I suddenly find myself understanding a lot more about other people by temporarily putting on the lens through which they view the world and show up in it accordingly. This understanding helps me accept them as who they are. And this, I learned, is the beginning of love.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

~Thomas Merton

As the authors Cron and Stabile write: “The Enneagram is a tool that awakens our compassion for people just as they are, not the people we wish they would become so our lives would become easier.”

How much of our suffering arises from (inadvertently) disallowing the people we love to be someone other than themselves?

And how much of our suffering comes from refusing to give ourselves the warm regard and compassion that we deserve, no matter how flawed we think we are?

Learning to embrace and love ourselves is the biggest and hardest lesson in this challenging syllabus called Life. And this is the lesson assigned to me ever since I was hit with my midlife crisis.

1. How the Enneagram System Works — see the section on the Levels of Development: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works