Thank you for sharing this Louisa. I recognise and identify with several passages of this, as you know. I also really feel for you in the gynae biopsy, huge empathy. It's awful that you had to go through so much pain.
I appreciate the way you've guided us through the cultural nuances and social conditioning.
Sometimes I wonder — are people who remain in 'high Context' cultures able to see the pain and 'receive' the emotions communications more easily? (Erin Meyer's terminology 'high context' for cultures that have greater shared context where people use all their sense to feel/communicate around a topic vs low context cultures where I tell you what I’m going to tell you, then I tell you, and then I tell you what I’ve told you). Pondering if we feel more conflicted straddling High-low context cultures.
Hey Victoria, I appreciate your taking the time to re-read this piece and share your empathy with me! Your mention of "high-context cultures" is fascinating. I think in our Chinese culture, there's a lot of subtleties and unspoken rules in our communications, layer upon layer, built on ancient metaphors and histories. Emotions are seldom expressed directly--especially love! I realized that I had always resented this complexity growing up in this culture, and wish to live in a low-context culture so there wouldn't be any ambiguities. I guess that's why I was so taken by the English language as well as French. They allow more precision and directness. Perhaps because they are not my first language, I feel less embarrassed expressing my emotions with them than with Chinese. I think that for me, there certainly has been a lot of internal conflicts straddling high- and low-context cultures.
I learn from and resonate with so much of your posts. My mother is Gen X and my father is a Boomer. Although I can sense all three of us are extremely emotional/empathetic people, we were conditioned to see tears as weakness and to not burden others with negative emotions and save face. Their English isn’t great so it’s hard for me to truly understand their heart, but this post has given me a lot of insight into their cultural context and upbringing in HK.
Your story at the gynae and fighting to be resilient broke my heart. I have also struggled with women’s health and gone through painful procedures without pain relief. You put into words the loneliness and helplessness I felt in those moments.
Even when giving birth I refused to cry or scream, and yet I felt apologetic whenever I got scared or anxious and expressed that to the nurses. They were surprised as to why I apologised and said they expected much more screaming and crying from me. 😅
Thanks for writing and sharing your heart, Louisa! 🤍
Wow, Heidi, it's hard for me to imagine that you didn't cry or scream when giving birth! I never gave birth, but I consider it a grand act of bravery! From what you've shared with me about your family environment, I can understand how the stoic conditioning goes deep into your "wiring." I think it's very common among people of Chinese descent.
It makes me glad to hear that my words helped you make sense of the cultural context of your emotional responses, and that the loneliness and helplessness you once felt are mirrored by my gynecological experience.
Thank you for your generous comment. It means a lot for me to hear your reflections.
Just to clarify, after 48 hours, I got the epidural or I definitely would have cried. 🙈 I was very moved by your experience of receiving care from strangers and doctors once you let yourself cry and express your physical and emotional pain.
Lily, thank you for this powerful look into your culture and attitudes about crying, this is something I have little knowledge of and I respect you for sharing this.
I will say briefly, as a pale white girl of nearly 72, while I am quite intelligent, I am also a very sensitive soul and an empath. I feel things deeply, not only my own emotional state but also the suffering of other people. I can tell when someone is in distress. It is not easy...and often overwhelming and that is one reason I spend time alone and am a writer. Emotion is a narrow line. I cry all the time, not necessarily in public but tears, for me, are a steam-valve and a place to let stuff off my psyche. I also hang out with God and His Son every day, as They can take my emotions and allow me to vent and then to have a perspective on things. I humbly thank you for sharing this intense look at cultural norms that differ from me. God bless and keep you, Wendy
Hi Wendy, thank you for reading and sharing your reflections. I see that you are a highly sensitive and intuitive person. I share the same traits and often feel overwhelmed and cry easily. I can be reading a piece of news or watching a video and something stirs me inside, and voila! Tears-a-flowing! I like your metaphor of a steam valve!!! It so aptly describes how I feel about tears. It's wonderful you have your God and Jesus to unload your emotions safely every day. I appreciate that you are curious enough to look into my culture, which is so different from yours. Yet I believe that our raw emotions are what we all share in common.
Lily, thank you for your reply! God created every single person who has ever lived on this Earth. He gave each of us unique qualities, gifts and abilities that no one else ever had.
Culture and race are certainly primal and intense things and I attempt to step carefully and with respect. The human race is prime, as all of us essentially want the same thing: to have work we enjoy and have gifts to do it, enough funds to keep the basics afloat and go from there, someone to love us and that we can love back, family that sticks with us through thick and thin. Emotions are truly raw things, you are absolutely correct about that and it is always my fond hope that humans can find a way to get along. God and His Son are with me every single day and a profound source of help in good and bad times. Being an empathic type is tough...but it also give me grist for my writing mill! Blessings to your heartfelt writing Lily, keep going ! Wendy
Thank you for sharing this Louisa. I recognise and identify with several passages of this, as you know. I also really feel for you in the gynae biopsy, huge empathy. It's awful that you had to go through so much pain.
I appreciate the way you've guided us through the cultural nuances and social conditioning.
Sometimes I wonder — are people who remain in 'high Context' cultures able to see the pain and 'receive' the emotions communications more easily? (Erin Meyer's terminology 'high context' for cultures that have greater shared context where people use all their sense to feel/communicate around a topic vs low context cultures where I tell you what I’m going to tell you, then I tell you, and then I tell you what I’ve told you). Pondering if we feel more conflicted straddling High-low context cultures.
Hey Victoria, I appreciate your taking the time to re-read this piece and share your empathy with me! Your mention of "high-context cultures" is fascinating. I think in our Chinese culture, there's a lot of subtleties and unspoken rules in our communications, layer upon layer, built on ancient metaphors and histories. Emotions are seldom expressed directly--especially love! I realized that I had always resented this complexity growing up in this culture, and wish to live in a low-context culture so there wouldn't be any ambiguities. I guess that's why I was so taken by the English language as well as French. They allow more precision and directness. Perhaps because they are not my first language, I feel less embarrassed expressing my emotions with them than with Chinese. I think that for me, there certainly has been a lot of internal conflicts straddling high- and low-context cultures.
I think you'll like Erin Meyer's book The Culture Map. She's mapped countries by different dimensions high vs low context is one of them.
For me, French has more ambiguity and nuance than English which is why I love songs and the language. There's more feeling than fact!
I learn from and resonate with so much of your posts. My mother is Gen X and my father is a Boomer. Although I can sense all three of us are extremely emotional/empathetic people, we were conditioned to see tears as weakness and to not burden others with negative emotions and save face. Their English isn’t great so it’s hard for me to truly understand their heart, but this post has given me a lot of insight into their cultural context and upbringing in HK.
Your story at the gynae and fighting to be resilient broke my heart. I have also struggled with women’s health and gone through painful procedures without pain relief. You put into words the loneliness and helplessness I felt in those moments.
Even when giving birth I refused to cry or scream, and yet I felt apologetic whenever I got scared or anxious and expressed that to the nurses. They were surprised as to why I apologised and said they expected much more screaming and crying from me. 😅
Thanks for writing and sharing your heart, Louisa! 🤍
Wow, Heidi, it's hard for me to imagine that you didn't cry or scream when giving birth! I never gave birth, but I consider it a grand act of bravery! From what you've shared with me about your family environment, I can understand how the stoic conditioning goes deep into your "wiring." I think it's very common among people of Chinese descent.
It makes me glad to hear that my words helped you make sense of the cultural context of your emotional responses, and that the loneliness and helplessness you once felt are mirrored by my gynecological experience.
Thank you for your generous comment. It means a lot for me to hear your reflections.
Just to clarify, after 48 hours, I got the epidural or I definitely would have cried. 🙈 I was very moved by your experience of receiving care from strangers and doctors once you let yourself cry and express your physical and emotional pain.
Oh I'm so glad you got the epidural to ease your pain. 48 hours is a long labor!!!
I wish we could give each other a hug and a good cry for all of our painful experiences! Here's a virtual hug for you! 💕
Your virtual empathy and comment makes me want to cry! 🤍
Lily, thank you for this powerful look into your culture and attitudes about crying, this is something I have little knowledge of and I respect you for sharing this.
I will say briefly, as a pale white girl of nearly 72, while I am quite intelligent, I am also a very sensitive soul and an empath. I feel things deeply, not only my own emotional state but also the suffering of other people. I can tell when someone is in distress. It is not easy...and often overwhelming and that is one reason I spend time alone and am a writer. Emotion is a narrow line. I cry all the time, not necessarily in public but tears, for me, are a steam-valve and a place to let stuff off my psyche. I also hang out with God and His Son every day, as They can take my emotions and allow me to vent and then to have a perspective on things. I humbly thank you for sharing this intense look at cultural norms that differ from me. God bless and keep you, Wendy
Hi Wendy, thank you for reading and sharing your reflections. I see that you are a highly sensitive and intuitive person. I share the same traits and often feel overwhelmed and cry easily. I can be reading a piece of news or watching a video and something stirs me inside, and voila! Tears-a-flowing! I like your metaphor of a steam valve!!! It so aptly describes how I feel about tears. It's wonderful you have your God and Jesus to unload your emotions safely every day. I appreciate that you are curious enough to look into my culture, which is so different from yours. Yet I believe that our raw emotions are what we all share in common.
Lily, thank you for your reply! God created every single person who has ever lived on this Earth. He gave each of us unique qualities, gifts and abilities that no one else ever had.
Culture and race are certainly primal and intense things and I attempt to step carefully and with respect. The human race is prime, as all of us essentially want the same thing: to have work we enjoy and have gifts to do it, enough funds to keep the basics afloat and go from there, someone to love us and that we can love back, family that sticks with us through thick and thin. Emotions are truly raw things, you are absolutely correct about that and it is always my fond hope that humans can find a way to get along. God and His Son are with me every single day and a profound source of help in good and bad times. Being an empathic type is tough...but it also give me grist for my writing mill! Blessings to your heartfelt writing Lily, keep going ! Wendy