Be Angry, My Friend
How I, a peacekeeper and people-pleaser, finally started to express healthy anger
“I seldom see you angry and dissatisified,” my partner told me one day, when we were both cramped up in a dingy hotel room made out of a shipping container.
I found his comment extremely telling.
It spoke to my life-long tendency of people-pleasing, especially in the context of romantic relationships, and my inhibition around negative emotions that I feared might threaten my attachment to the people I love.
The so-called “negative” emotions I had suppressed include anger or any slight sign of agitation. These emotions carry an energy of aggression. Having grown up with a mother whose unpredictable rages and masculine assertiveness shook my little world, I decided not to emulate her by all means.
My father, in his quiet and passive way, sucked it all up to keep the peace. My highly sensitive nature gravitated toward his style, so I looked up to him as a role model in how to handle conflicts in a relationship. Stay silent, bear with the situation and swallow any offenses until the conflict blows over.
That was my childhood conditioning. I tugged all my angry little gremlins1 into a backpack and by now, this backpack has become super-sized. The gremlins have been dormant, lying in the shadow of the people-pleaser protector in me. This protector has shown up as a cheerleader, a peacekeeper, a loyal and docile wife, an obedient daughter, and a yes-woman, among others. These protective parts always make sure that they keep a tight lid on the angry gremlins, deeming them too dangerous and volatile to be let out. They believe that without anger, Louisa would be better off and would sail through life smoothly.
So when the Louisa, who rarely shows her anger, suddenly becomes “angry and dissatisfied,” everyone notices. Naturally, this was considered an unusual occurrence and raised some eyebrows.