I'm Calling This a Blog
Dear readers — my loyal Ponders and new subscribers alike,
Recently I’ve been going through a bout of severe depression. Whenever that happens, I’ve felt the need to crawl into a cocoon and hibernate through the darkest time of year to recoup.
Yes, I feel burnt out. It was as if my intimate partner’s betrayal and our subsequent breakup wasn’t enough to traumatize me this year. With the election of Donald Trump, it felt as if I got re-traumatized by another disordered narcissist — multipled by the number of his MAGA supporters. My internal cry for personal justice had barely subsided, before it started again in the face of collective injustice on a grand scale. But I feel an even stronger sense of helplessness with this political mayhem. I find myself screaming silent screams into the void.
For my mental health, I had said “no” to a Thanksgiving gathering with my Trump-supporting mom.
For my mental health, I’m planning to change the nature of my weekly Substack newsletter.
In fact, I want to call it a blog, because it brings back fond memories of my blogging days back in the early 2000s (on Xanga — was anyone on it?). There was no pressure to publish, perform or grow your audience. I had such a good time communicating with online friends from around the world. I loved that vibe, and so I’m going to drop my own self-imposed schedule and expectation. I don’t want to “keep up with the Joneses.” I will write with a more casual approach, and probably spend less time here as I really want to get started with writing my memoir.
My initial dream of publishing on Substack was to write topics that were close to my heart and use this platform to express my authentic self. This hasn’t changed. But along with that dream was the added promise of making a living writing what I cared about. In hindsight, that promise seems to be just another hype.
I understand that some writers on Substack have been able to making a living, or at least a good sum for a side hassle. But for a newsletter with multiple topics (instead of a “niche”), which doesn’t have a practical “offering,” it is hard to achieve that goal. I’ve realized that unless you have a huge “following” from an existing platform or readership, or unless you can spend 24/7 on this project without the need to work a full-time job, the odds are stacked against small potatoes like me. Besides, my sporadic mental health struggles are making it very difficult for me to sustain any kind of consistency — which the “algorithm” likes.
But I think the main issue is systemic, rather than personal. I’m old enough to have worked in traditional print journalism. In those days, we journalists would have no idea if our stories were read and by how many. Because we were paid a monthly salary to do a good job, that data didn’t really matter. Fast forward to today, it seems like a game changer for a writer to have access to audience insights. Yet in the new publishing model brought on by the Internet, millions of folks can claim a platform and publish whatever they want. The threshold for publishing has lowered to zero. The competition for readers’ attention and time has made it necessary for the majority of writers to to write for free in order to get people in the door. And then what?
I got stuck in the next step, and never managed to get any paid subscribers beyond the initial few, many of whom are supportive friends. I’m not saying that I get discouraged about writing on here. It’s about the subscription model and the practical reality that people don’t have unlimited budget to subscribe to every writer they like.
So to release the pressure around my presence here, I’ve decided to approach Substack as a blog, and forget about growing my audience or getting paid. Those of you who have been paying for your subscription from the start, I can’t thank you enough for your support! Your kindness has given my life extra sparkles! I will pause all subscription from the beginning of December, and provide a chance for you to end your subscription. I think there’s a way to reimburse the remainder of your subscription fee if you have signed up for a full year. Simply shoot me an email or DM in chat, and I’ll take care of it for you. No hard feelings.
The more I check in with my guts, the more I realize that I thrive on more freedom and less structure. That may not good for my “productivity” and a lot of other things in life. But to hell with it. I want to cultivate more spontaneity, and allow my spirit to fly freely. What does it mean for Lily Pond? Well, you might hear from me five times a year or a week. Who knows? But I have a feeling that whenever I post, whatever I write, it will come from a place of inspiration and passion, instead of obligation or the need to “grow.”
See you around my “blog”!
I've just bought you a coffee to demonstrate how much I value your insights, reflections and ponderings - e.g. Asian Writers Collective Asian Reads Issue 5. Your article 'You Can't Be Everywhere All At Once' was a key anchor point in the thoughts I shared. Your ability to deconstruct complex subjects and thread the needle for us to follow your lines of thinking enables us to see the bigger picture. I appreciate you and your talent.
Just as Keisha said - I'll continue to read your work whenever and however you choose to share it.
I look forward to reading whatever and whenever you choose to share!