Imagine being sucked and swept in the air by a tornado. You lose all sense of orientation and connection with the world as you know it. You also lose a ton of energy trying to fight an incredible force that you ultimately have no control of. And this is after having sat in a huge pot for years and slowly boiled like the proverbial frog, except in sous-vide style.
This was how I felt over the past few weeks after I made new discoveries of my ex’s betrayal even though we had already separated. I describe some of my initial feelings here. After sustaining a broken heart syndrome and landing on the ground from the tornado, I feel spent. My qi, or life force, has been sucked out of my bone marrow. I didn’t even have enough energy to think cohesively or type until now.
If it wasn’t for the few kind and steadfast Dear Ponders, who noticed my absence and nudged me to write again, I wouldn’t show up today with my still-aching and tender heart. Thank you
, , , and !I want to tackle the subject that piqued my interest during the past few weeks when I reached out to friends and family about the betrayal that had almost eaten me alive. The subject is: How to talk with and behave around a friend or family member affected by sexual betrayal.
The responses I received when talking with my dear ones covered a wide range. At times, the hurt little girl inside me felt slighted and dismissed, but she recovered rather quickly, thanks to the inner child work I had done over the past two years. Because I didn’t take some of the less palatable remarks personally, I am now able to share my perspective as a betrayed partner with you, in case you are faced with the situation where you want to offer comfort to someone you know who is in the same boat as mine.
You may never have experienced it, but I bet all of you have heard of a friend or a friend of a friend who’s on the unfortunate receiving end of sexual betrayal. If that’s the case, and if you would love to be more empathic to your friend, this essay is for you. But more importantly, if you are the betrayed one, or suspect that you might have been betrayed, what I write below may help increase your awareness.
Before I share the do’s and don’ts with those of you who want to be the Good Samaritan, I’d like to share my insights into the highly significant trauma a betrayed partner experiences after D-Day (discovery day), so that you can truly understand what it’s like for your friend or family member to suffer from this ungodly blow.
The Highly Significant Betrayal Trauma
Before D-Day, a partner may have felt flashes of unease in the gut that tell her1 something isn’t quite right. But every time she brings up her suspicion to her partner or spouse, the latter would make up stories to hide the secrets, and then point the finger at her, making her doubt her own perception of reality and gut feelings. This is classic gaslighting.
Once she’s made the earthshattering discovery, it’s pure hell. Trauma besieges her mind, body and spirit, and all sorts of emotions would erupt at random times. Crying, screaming, angry fits, raging, hypervigilance, withdrawal, people-pleasing, even sexual advances — you name it. The roller coaster of emotions can appear so out of proportion, that the betraying partner may use that to defend himself. He would accuse his spouse for being out of control or even crazy. This was what happened to me.