Unpacking the Asian Woman Stereotype and Passport Bros
What I learned from YOU after I published my last newsletter
Dear Ponders,
First of all, a warm welcome to all of you who are new here! I’m happy that so many of you have decided to jump on a lily pad here at Lily Pond since I published my last newsletter. “Ponders” is an endearing term I call my subscribers. It refers not only to members of Lily Pond, but also to people who enjoy pondering about life.
“What Does It Mean to Live in an Asian Body in America?” has gotten a greater number of comments than any other essays I’ve previously published. I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to read it and to reflect back to me your thoughts and feelings around this sensitive subject. If you feel called to, please share the essay with people in your circle who would appreciate reading about the subject.
Many of you told me how this essay opened your eyes to the inner world of Asian women in relation to Western men, and expressed great empathy toward the covert racism that I and my Asian sisters experience from day to day. Some of you even expressed a desire to be our allies. I’m immensely touched by your heartfelt support! Sharing my stories with others is a great way to raise awareness and to open more minds and hearts.
Equally valuable are comments from my Asian readers and friends, who told me how validated they felt after reading my essay. They said the experience I described reflected theirs accurately, and that it made them feel less alone. I’m glad to be able to mirror what’s been shrouded in shame and embarrassment, and to speak up against the injustices that seriously affect the mental and emotional health among Asian women.
Of course, I couldn’t possibly reflect all the experiences within the diverse Asian community in my broad-stroke treatment of the subject. A South Asian reader told me that her experience has been different. I invite my Asian sisters to educate me and share your stories!
Biases Born out of Pain
Through some off-line conversations, I’ve also gained new insights into facets of white-Asian unions and stereotypes that I hadn’t considered before.
For example, I’ve heard cases of white men cheating on their wives with Asian women, and how this has led some of the wives to feel triggered whenever they see a white-Asian couple in the street.
This made me think of the times when strangers stared at me and my ex in a weird way. Could it be that they thought I was a marriage wrecker? My ex once told me that he noticed people were staring at me in a contemptuous way — but in this case, what he was trying to point out was that people hated Asians and I made him look bad.
Well, after reading my essay, a black woman — an immigrant like me — reached out and told me her white husband left for a Chinese woman. She said my story expanded her understanding of this very complex issue, and that our conversation helped her process her misgivings and bias toward Asian women. I feel so much compassion for her painful betrayal experience, and understood where she came from, for I’ve been chumped myself.
I’ve had misgivings, too, toward Thai women because I felt that I lost my man to them. I still feel angry about the betrayal, and the exploitative environment that made it possible.
When I spoke to a friend who’s an American expat in Thailand, she reminded me of the difficult circumstances most Thai women live with. In fact, many are groomed to become prostitutes, kept women or wives of white men, because it is the daughters who take the brunt of the responsibility to provide for their elderly parents due to the lack of social security measures. Local jobs and local husbands just don’t cut it! I’ve understood that and feel sorry for their plights. Yet I also hold accountable the choices made by those who knowingly wreck others’ marriages and families. In my ex’s case, his Thai affair partner is actually not destitute. She has a professional job but chooses to date a white guy for the prospect of a better life. To me, that was her own choice. She was not forced into it by any means. So she was complicit in my ex’s plot to betray me.
In any case, my conversation with the woman who lost her husband to a Chinese affair partner reminded me that I must avoid stereotyping Thai women no matter how painful my own experience has been. Not all Thai women are promiscuous and gold diggers. Such stereotyping is harmful and disrespectful. When I was visiting Thailand with my ex last year, I could sense the relief on the faces of the ladies at a massage parlor and an outdoor market when they saw that my ex was already “taken.” My intuition told me that they were tired of predatory foreign men (“farangs”) and welcome “normal” interactions without the fear of being preyed on. I made acquaintances with them and found them to be lovely.
Speaking of preys, I’ve also learned from a reader that a certain abuse takes place in the form of white men who only date women of immigrant backgrounds. They take advantage of these women’s vulnerabilities, such as their needs for financial stability, Green Card, sense of belonging, etc., and their unawareness of how relationships look like and how manipulative cheaters behave in this culture. They’d often love bomb and then discard or emotionally abuse them afterwards.
The ‘Passport Bros’
Another thing I learned from one of my readers is the phenomenon of the “Passport Bros” movement1. Apparently I’ve been living in the bushes and wasn’t aware of this term and trend. But I’m all too familiar with what it means in real life. It started with my ex complaining about American women for being too demanding and high strung, and later about how terrible the conditions in the U.S. had become. These are the typical justifications used by the Passport Bros for wanting to seek out foreign women, usually in poorer countries — and exploit them. Apparently such messages are widespread on TikTok, and guess what? My ex is addicted to it.
The following video about Passport Bros in Colombia describes their mentality accurately. It also depicts the fatal outcomes of their quest to live like a “king” through their exploitations.
How I Dealt with Yet Another Cat Call
I mentioned a cat call situation in my last newsletter. Here’s an update: This time, a Hispanic man waved at me with a cocky smile. He tried to follow me as I walked up a slope in the park. I immediately turned around and walked toward a safer path when I noticed his move. Then I took out my phone and snapped a picture of him. His cocky smile disappeared right away! This is how I can ward off unwanted attention. If you are a woman who gets cat calls a lot, you might want to give it a try ;-)
Beauty and Bounty
I’m wrapping up this newsletter with something relaxing — colorful sights at the community garden where I grow my own veggies and flowers. I hope you enjoy your Sunday and wish you a great week ahead!
Would you please click the little heart ❤️ at the top or bottom of this newsletter to show your appreciation for my writing? This will make it easier for people to find their way to Lily Pond on Substack. Thank you! ❤️
The Official Passport Bros site: https://www.theofficialpassportbros.com
Love both the essay’s insights and the pix ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for yet another important, informative essay on the way that Asian women are stereotyped. Passport Bros! Had not heard of the trend either. Ugh. But you left us with the lovely sight of your lovingly tended garden in full bloom. With life's struggles, we need to appreciate the small and not inconsequential beauties of life, don't we? Hugs, my friend!