Diverse Voices around Substack and My Comments Roundup #7
Essays on the dehumanization of women in the context of patriarchy — a selection of highly evocative newsletters worthy of your attention
Dear Ponders,
This week, I bring you a collection of essays on the dehumanization of women as caregivers and sex objects, as well as the belittlement of those who are childless and childfree.
I hope this collection of essays piques your curiosity and inspires you to dive deeper into the existential plights of those born into a female body or identify as women.
Don’t miss out on the chat thread on this topic and share your experiences with your fellow Ponders.
To my new subscribers, this is what my “Diverse Voices” series is about: In these occasional round-ups, I curate noteworthy newsletters on Substack based on specific themes. These evocative essays prompted me to engage in meaningful conversations with the authors and their respective communities. I hope that these discourses will spark your imagination and expand your horizon as much as they have for me. Check out the previous round-ups here. Note: the subheadings are mine, not the authors’.
A housekeeping note: I’ve changed my username on Substack to be the same as the name of my newsletter, Lily Pond. I think this might have accidentally made all my followers “unfollow” me. But I’m not sure. If you wish to “re-follow” me on Notes, please click “follow” next to my username. Here are all the Notes I’ve posted.
Why Does Society Vilify Women Who Choose to be Full-Time Caregivers? Here’s a New Way to View Caregiving…
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Sammy-Jo reflects on her decision to prioritize caring for child, followed by her sick mother, over her career. As a feminist, Sammy-Jo discusses the undervalued nature of care work within our patriarchal society, and challenges the notion that caregiving is a purely domestic and “feminine” activity. She draws on feminist theory and the worldview of disability justice activists, and calls for a greater societal appreciation of the importance and radical potential of care work. To her, caregiving can be both challenging (involving lots of sacrifices) and deeply rewarding. Ultimately, it is a necessary act of love and connection in a complex world.
“I’m embracing this opportunity to immerse myself within the profound experience of love, and of being a human who shares the world with other humans.”
Read more…
My perspective as an immigrant woman:
So much food for thought in your essay. First of all, good that you pointed out how "white feminism" defines personal engulfment in terms of a successful career while leaving the caregiving work to underpaid or unpaid labor taken on by Black and Brown women. My mom, a Chinese immigrant, worked as a nanny for over a decade after coming to America. Her work was grueling and grossly underpaid (and to add insult, she was exploited by wealthier Chinese immigrants). There're so many layers in caregiving. In the U.S. (and many other countries as well), women of ethnic minorities are often the most exploited.
Looking back at my own experience, there was a period where I was lucky enough to have a light work load and I could work from home and take care of my ex husband at the same time. I felt that being a caring housewife was what I wanted to do, instead of just focusing on work. However, I did not have children because my ex (a narc) was a big man child. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom, just as there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother and work at the same time. But in our patriarchal society, men are still not expected to share the burden of childcare, eldercare and things in the domestic domain. I think this is the biggest frustration faced by women. In my youth, I actually had wanted to have children, but seeing how imbalanced gender dynamics played out in my marriage, I thought it would kill my soul if I had to care for a child in addition to the man child.
I think it's commendable to think of caregiving as a privilege and a natural thing to do. It's part of our human kinship. However, it's a different matter to "feel" this way. I was brought up in a culture where children are considered "insurance" against parents' old age. It became my obligation and was banged into my head from day 1. You can ask other Chinese people, especially daughters, to check if it's true for them as well. My guess is it's true for most. If your parents happen to have a normal, loving bond with you, it may be easier to fulfill such obligations, which are also privileges. In my case, coming from a dysfunctional family, it is super hard not to feel a sense of resentment for the heavy responsibility slapped on me (and not my brother). In fact, I had been taking care of my parents since I was a little kid, as we were immigrants and they didn't speak the language. So I was given the role as the family translator, which was expanded to other areas (practical matters, bureaucracy, medical issues, etc. etc.), when I was still very young. While I never abdicated my responsibly to care for my parents when they had serious medical issues, it was really hard for me to feel any kind of fuzzy caring mood when fulfilling my "duty."
As a women of color, I thought I'd share some personal experiences that perhaps white women haven't imagined or experienced.
How the Dehumanization of Women are Normalized in American Society
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In this social commentary, Amy Gabrielle discusses how the current U.S. school system is failing to properly educate boys. She believes that the way boys are taught in schools has led them to internalize their academic failures and hide their inadequacy. Anger and resentment build over time, and they shift the blame to women, potentially culminating in violence against them and the rape culture we’re witnessing.
“Women have had their reproductive rights, their autonomy, and their very personhood stripped away. Dehumanizing women makes sexual violence against them justifiable.”
Gabrielle advocates for reforms in public school curriculums to address the issues of toxic masculinity and rape culture, and to legitimize women’s bodily autonomy as a birth right instead of a crime.
Read more…
My response:
Thank you for this meaningful essay and the conversations it's sparked. Being a 50-some-year-old and having been sexually assaulted and betrayed multiple times, I have a lot of negative experience relating with manipulative, controlling and angry men. It would be close to impossible to change the men of my generation and older as they were raised by parents who modeled for them the inequality between the two sexes and normalized the perspective that women are to be used as wife appliances. Which is why I so vehemently believe that parental modeling and teaching at school as well as cultural osmosis in society are of paramount importance in giving any hope for women — hope to live in an equitable and non-hostile environment where they don't have to fear every second of their life to be objectified, used and abused (I still have those fears every single day as I walk out the door, being an Asian woman with the burden of being stereotyped as a sexualized object by the American male). I think the disenfranchisement and disengagement among boys and men are causing them to withdraw further from meaningful and equitable engagement with girls and women. Somehow, some way, we must help boys to not fear girls or relating with girls, normalize feeling into all sorts of emotions and provide outlets for them to practice instead of run away from them through video games or other addictive habits. Conflict avoidance causes a shit load of problems and griefs for women in marriages and partnerships. How to express emotions and resolve conflicts through peaceful means is a life skill that boys — and girls — could really use, and we need to teach it to them (when they become adults, it becomes really hard to change that and the cost is huge).
Amy's response:
Yes, to all of this. First I want to acknowledge your experiences as an Asian woman who is sexualized and fetishized as submissive by American men. It's an added burden that no woman should be subjected to. I am 57, so I know what you mean about our generation of men, but I almost feel like there's an added hatred and violence toward women by younger men that scares me more. All I know is that we have to start building up boys' self esteem and resilience from a very young age. It's easy to see why they would be frustrated and turn angry in a school environment that makes learning especially difficult for them. We as a society have to do better because so much is at stake. Women, children and other men are by and large the victims of violence committed by MEN. I understand women are not the only victims, so it's important to include the perpetrator of the violence when we talk about abuse.
Making Space for the Childless and Childfree Women
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In this essay, Ali Hall points out that people without children face stigma, harsh judgment, and are being stereotyped and marginalized in society. Hall explores the differences between the terms “childfree” and “childless,” and highlights the diverse reasons why people do not have children. She emphasizes the importance of respecting the choices and experiences of those who choose not to have children or who are unable to do so. She also calls for greater inclusivity and acceptance of the childfree and childless community, and challenges society to change its assumptions and biases about parenthood.
“If we educate little girls that having children is a choice with no guarantees, we may prevent a huge amount of shame, anxiety, and heartache in their later years.”
Read more…
My Response:
Thanks for your tireless work to make childfree people like me feel seen. I've lived my whole adult life being shamed, particularly by my own mother, for not having children. Having children is an "order" In our old tradition and it's considered a breach of "filial piety" if you disobey. It got so ridiculous that even after my menopause, my mom was still nagging me about having a child, and shamed me for not fulfilling the full potential of a woman. Today, you will find a new generation of women in China disobeying their parents by refusing to marry and bear children (for economic reasons as well as for their awakened individual freedom). Huge fights ensue 😱. Anyway, I can see this childfree/childless discussion explode exponentially and globally.
I really love this passage:
"All of us — everyone on this planet — just want to feel like we belong, that we are loved and included. And yet so many of us feel misunderstood."
It mirrors 💯 how I feel (especially being a minority in every aspect of my life!) Thank you once again for this powerful essay.
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Thank you so much for including me!!