Diverse Voices around Substack and My Comments Roundup #6
Essays on expressing uncomfortable emotions — a selection of highly evocative newsletters worthy of your attention
Dear Ponders,
This week, I bring you a collection of essays about expressing emotions that are often considered negative, dark or undesirable. Because of the shame associated with such emotions, they often get shoved into a dark corner of our secret basement, and make any public expression or discussion awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve written a few essays on this topic (here, here and here) and am glad to have found similar topics written by fellow Substackers. To read each writer’s original essays, click the button “read more” at the end of each excerpt.
I hope this collection of essays piques your curiosity and inspires you to look into emotions that you personally find difficult to express. Don’t miss out on the chat thread on this topic! There are many interesting shares by your fellow Ponders.
To my new subscribers, this is what my “Diverse Voices” series is about: In these occasional round-ups, I curate noteworthy newsletters on Substack based on specific themes. These evocative essays prompted me to engage in meaningful conversations with the authors and their respective communities. I hope that these discourses will spark your imagination and expand your horizon as much as they have for me. Check out the previous round-ups here. Note: the subheadings are mine, not the authors’.
From Ugly to Pretty Cry, Would Strangers Give a Damn?
by
Anne @
recounts her experience of crying on a plane and other public spaces, and the very awkward and callous responses by the strangers who witnessed her tears. In this piece, she expresses her frustration of griefing in a culture that lacks empathetic etiquettes to hold sorrow and grief for fellow human beings.My response:
I read this with great interest and resonance, especially the sentiment that "What I want is human contact and sympathy."
I'm one of those rare people who can just cry in public with no holds bar. I don't care if I cry ugly or pretty. It's as if a dam is broken open and the tears just come gushing out. Although I'm usually too self-absorbed to observe others' reactions, or the lack thereof, I recognize your feelings regarding people's awkwardness or callousness when faced with someone who is obviously in distress.
I have cut and pasted these brilliant phrases that you suggested, and will practice them myself if I ever spot someone crying in public:
“Can I get you some water? Or gin?” would be a nice way to acknowledge suffering.
“I don’t know what you’re going through but I’m sorry. Do you want to talk to a stranger?”
“You can cry all you want. Don’t hold it in on my account.”
“Is there someone you’d like me to call?”
While I've never had anyone offer these lines to me when I cried in public, I did receive the most beautiful and heartfelt gesture of sympathy from a little girl at the airport recently. She spotted me dropping tears non-stop for almost an hour, while I sat with my ex-partner before we separated for good. As we stood up, she came to me and asked; "Can I give you a hug?" I nodded, and she gave me a big hug with all her innocence and love. I was thoroughly touched and speechless at her brilliant act of kindness.
The Self-Critic Equates Misfortunes with Weakness
by
Doga writes about an emotional pattern that many of us can relate to — when something unfortunate happens, resulting in feelings of distress, fear, sadness or anger, we try to not show them. His self inquiry has led him to ask this important quesiton: “Why do I feel the need to not show any vulnerability?”
My response:
Hi Doga, I am so sorry about your back pain and the discomfort it has brought you — not only physical but emotional. I read this account with great interest, because your thought process and physical responses sounded so familiar to me! I have gone through very similar processes in the past, both in terms of back pain and my struggle to keep up with a stoic attitude/strong face and hiding my "weaknesses." It is real, and you are not alone! I think a lot of us think that way because we were raised to be strong and expected to handle "adult situations" alone. I can imagine the pressure to do that to be even bigger for men due to the way masculinity is defined by our cultures.
What I'm amazed at is that you finished Gabor Mate's thick book (I have it but it's still sitting on my shelf, LOL!). I have a strong belief — and visceral experience of how the body keeps the score and how trauma has affected my mind, body and spirit, especially during the entire period of sexual betrayal trauma. I have talked with many women with the same experience and the physical symptoms are real. The surprising thing is that our bodies respond with ailments even though our mind chooses to believe in a different reality. The body is much faster and smarter than our mind, even though we often try to ignore the signs and what they are telling us.
I'm amazed at all the self inquiries you have done since the incident. I believe you will find the answers to your inquiries. I truly do. Your therapists also asked many helpful questions.
Regarding the physiology of the back pain itself, well, since I had a frozen back in my 30s and helped myself heal from it using postural alignment exercises, I have come to understand that part of the causes, besides emotional tension, is the way we habitually carry our body. Overtime, certain muscles get overused and others are underused. The imbalance creates tension that when under extra physical exertion or stress, may tip over into an acute injury because the body just can't take it anymore! The muscles get into spasm and the resulting pain is a smart way to get you to stop exerting yourself so they can rest and heal.
There are simple exercises to restore muscle balance. I would recommend you to do just one. It's effortless and can help relax your lower back muscles. (In this acute phase, do not do other stretches that can make it worse). Here is a video that I made. You can watch the part starting here:
No need to do the other exercises in this video for now. Hope it helps. Take care!
Society Has Misunderstood Sensitivity — It’s Actually a Gift!
by
Jorden describes her journey from feeling ashamed about her highly sensitive nature to appreciating and celebrating it. Her honest storytelling sheds light on how the pressure to suppress feelings that are deemed “too much” can lead to the numbing of them with alcohol or other addictive substances and behavior.
My response:
I loved reading about your journey from repressing your sensitivity to fully embracing it. I particularly like this: "these emotions themselves don’t usually cause me pain – mostly, my resistance to these emotions is what causes me pain." So true!
I went through a similar journey. My parents and teachers discouraged me from expressing my "big feelings" and even ridiculed my hypersensitivity. So I learned to bottle up my negative emotions and wear a "poker face." Decades later, all of my bottled-up emotions turned into depression. It was no longer sustainable. So I finally learned to express them in healthy ways and embrace my highly sensitive nature. Reading Elaine Aron's book "The Highly Sensitive Person" also helped a great deal in validating what I'd felt all my life.
To round up this issue of “Diverse Voices,” here’s an essay I published last week on how crying opens up a floodgate of love from strangers. After its publication, many interesting comments and dialogues have been posted. Even if you’ve read the piece, I invite you to check out the comment section and join the rich conversations there.
Aww the little girl hugging you! Beautiful, Louisa. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for curating these writers and their essays around uncomfortable emotions. I love how you introduce us to diverse voices.