This is What Betrayal Trauma Feels Like

A vulnerable share of the worst kind of emotional pain I've ever experienced

Dear Ponders,

As I sit here in front of the computer, with a view of blooming yellow forsythias from my window, my fingers hesitantly move across the keyboard, trying desperately to find words for the serious affliction and nauseating agony I’ve been experiencing after my recent breakup with my partner.

The breakup happened just a few weeks ago, two years after my discovery of his sexual betrayal and the subsequent repeated attempts to repair this relationship. On Valentine’s Day this year, my heart died a little death. I realized that I could no longer go on living in self-denial, with an open wound that never had a chance to properly heal.

Fives years isn’t a particularly long time in a person’s life, but it can feel like a lifetime if your world is largely consisted of this one person and yourself. As if COVID wasn’t isolating enough, I lived through an excruciatingly lonely period, talking myself into believing that I was secure and happy with someone I envisioned to spend the rest of my life with. But the reality didn’t match up.

I would not wish for anyone to ever experience sexual betrayals. I know my experience isn’t unique, nor is it the worst. Still, there is so much shame surrounding the topic, that those of us who are on the receiving end of betrayals often suffer tremendous pain alone, and feel like we’re losing our mind. For those of us who are Highly Sensitive People and who have experienced childhood attachment trauma — such as abandonment and emotional neglect — I believe our sense of damage and loss is particularly heightened.

This is what happens when you experience such a deep betrayal:
You don't know what your reality is anymore. Everything becomes tainted with a different set of reality. You start to question everything, even your trust in yourself.

Note: My mental and emotional health has suffered tremendously because of the betrayal trauma. My writing has also suffered. In my devastating emotional state, I don’t know if I can still write from a place of calm and wisdom, to inspire or add anything to your life. One thing I’m sure of, however, is that I will continue to be a mirror of painful experiences to those of you who have suffered tremendously as I have. If what I write allows you to sigh with a sense of relief for a second, or drop your shoulders knowing that you are not alone, then I’d love for you to stay with me. I cannot promise a super regular publishing schedule during this difficult time — possibly the worst in my life thus far. I won’t take offense if you choose to unsubscribe. For those who choose to stick around, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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